Moscow Goes Moo
Written by Kassie. Performed in, "Put The Ring Where, Mr. Frodo?" Featuring Sophia as Natasha Moshe as Boris Liam as Yakov Smirnov Nikki as Vladimir Putin NOTE: All lines, unless otherwise specified, should be read with heavy comedic melodrama. Text of the Piece (Enter Boris, walking softly and carrying a big stick. He looks around, paranoid.) NATASHA: Boris! BORIS: Natasha! (Natasha comes running in from one of the aisles. They embrace melodramatically.) BORIS: Natasha, my dear- NATASHA: Da, darling? BORIS: Shut up your mouth. Oh, Natasha. I thought that Moose and Squirrel had taken you from me. NATASHA: Oh, Boris, I thought the pig-dog Americans were going to torture you for information! I thought the Motherland would surely fall! BORIS: Natasha, there are two things I never risk: one is you, my little snow leopard, and the other is the safety of the Motherland! NATASHA: Oh, Boris! We’ve saved the Motherland– BORIS: I’ve saved the Motherland, Natasha. NATASHA: Shut up your mouth! Were it not for my ingenuity– BORIS: Shut up your ingenuity! (There is a crash off-stage. Boris jumps around, looking for the source and waving his big stick.) NATASHA: Boris! BORIS: Shut up your mouth, Natasha, we aren’t safe! NATASHA: No, Boris! Don’t turn around! BORIS: Oh? NATASHA: Der Kommissar’s in town! BORIS: Oh oh oh! NATASHA: It’s true. BORIS: No! YAKOV: Yeeeees! (Yakov enters from one of the aisles.) BORIS: Der Kommissar! YAKOV: Yes, Boris Badenov, it is I! Kommissar Yakov Smirnov! And I am here for to arrest yoooooou and to steal your woman! BORIS: Natasha, you lying traitor! NATASHA: Boris, I tried to tell you! BORIS: Shut up your mouth! NATASHA: Boris, don’t let this come between us! BORIS: How can I not, Natasha? All those times you helped me to make Moose and Squirrel miserable? Were they all LIES? NATASHA: No, Boris! No, I love you! But he would have sold Motherland out to the American pig-dogs if I hadn’t let him follow me! BORIS: You are harboring a traitor? NATASHA: Only to protect our country! I do it because I am patriot! YAKOV: Yes, Boris, your woman, I’m afraid, is more patriotic than you realized. Like a true Soviet woman, she puts the Motherland above all else. (He molests Natasha.) NATASHA: Your hands! They sting of treason and American filth! YAKOV: Think about your baby, Natasha! BORIS: Natasha?! NATASHA: It’s true, Boris! And I must protect our baby! BORIS: OUR? NATASHA: Yes, Boris! It’s your baby! BORIS: How can I be a father from prison?!?! YAKOV: That is none of my concern! But I must take you in, Boris, for in Soviet Russia, state arrests you! PUTIN (off-stage): STOP RIGHT THERE! YAKOV: Vladimir Lenin’s preserved penis! BORIS: It’s a bird! NATASHA: It’s a nuclear wessel! PUTIN (entering from an aisle): NO! It is I, former President Vladimir Putin! NATASHA: Thank Stalin, we’re saved! YAKOV: You’re too late, Putin! Boris is already coming to the gulag! PUTIN: It’s never too late for pure Soviet morality! (Putin beats the shit out of Yakov. Natasha swoons.) BORIS: Mister President, how can we ever thank you? PUTIN: Just say no… to CAPITALISM! BORIS: But of course! PUTIN: And perhaps eliminate Moose and Squirrel. BORIS: Of course! PUTIN: VLADIMIR PUTIN’S BLASTING OFF AGAIN! (Exeunt all.) Category:Pieces